A Talk, An Arrival and A Betrayal

There is something bothering Loki. Apart from all the usual things to do with being Odin, that is. He has been skulking around the place more than usual and a couple of times I am sure he has nearly asked me something and then thought better of it. I am not convinced it is because Thor is home either, because he has gone off to tour round the outlying villages with the Warriors Three and Lady Sif. No, Loki has definitely got something on his mind, I know it. And I am going to do an Erika Special and ask him, because he is acting like he is going to have an outburst very soon. Wish me luck, Diary, as I am about to do something silly once more…..

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I have so much to write because of what happened today and some of it is really bad. I will try to make sense of things, but I do not know if I can put it all on paper. It is making me upset just thinking of it. I will just start and see how far I get, because I am lying here in bed, getting this done before I try to get to sleep. I have just been crying over some awful news and I have had to come to my room because I do not like the fact that I have been comforted by Loki yet again. I mean, I appreciate it, but I do not like it. There's something just not appropriate about it.


It took a big effort and a lot of patience and diplomacy, but I cracked him. Trouble is – he cracked me in return. I was not in Odin's suite much today because all servants are readying the palace for a feast when Thor returns in a couple of days from his tour. Loki spent nearly all the day in there or somewhere else secluded, because people were asking after him all the time and could not find him. I made sure when I caught him to tell him to be back for supper and to relax. I really do not think he is happy about all the hub-bub surrounding Thor being here in Asgard. It is definitely jealousy, but what does he expect? Thor is the future of Asgard and he is a perfect Asgardian Prince!

We both ate together and he was quiet in a similar manner to when I first started working for him – that kind of “do not even think of talking to me” quiet. At least, for the moment, he has not returned to the heavy drinking he was doing before he was poisoned. So I waited until he had finished and was sitting back in his chair having a small cup of mead and then I started up the conversation. I only asked him if he had enjoyed the meal and how he was, to which he gave about the shortest answer possible. Then he said “Please, do not, Erika” and left me at the table to go to sit on one of the sofas.

Of course, I decided that I was not going to let it lie and I followed him and sat next to him. Do you know, Diary, I think I was quite brave to persist with Loki and I think I have made him do some thinking. He has a lot of assumptions about people based on his own experiences, which are not necessarily true. I think he assumes things about me which are not entirely fair, so what I said to him may just have put him straight. As I was saying, I think I cracked that hard exterior a bit tonight. We eventually talked so much that I cannot write it all, but I think he realises I am not a bad person and that I have actually grown to kind of care about him despite who he is and what he has done.

He has taken someone prisoner. She is not even of Asgard; she is of Midgard. He thinks she is working for a Midgardian organisation called S.H.I.E.L.D., or that she may even be working in liaison with those who tried to poison him. He was obviously angry about it, but I also saw despair, frustration and a host of other emotions on that pale face of his. He is not so difficult to read as he might think. It is almost as if he has realised his dream, but found that the living of it is actually a nightmare.

He said he is going to ask Thor to stay for a while to aid him in dealing with the uprisings, as they are getting serious and a couple of the more rebellious realms are showing signs of joining in. I think it is a good idea. Good warcraft is important in keeping the peace, but there is nothing quite like a powerful figurehead like Thor to put it into practise. So I told him I thought it was a good idea. I told him that the civilians were happy to see Thor standing by his father’s side again after such gloomy times of late.

Then he brought up the notes that had been found. My belly dropped when he took it from his pocket. He said he had been in the library a lot today – mostly to get away from the feast celebrations, but also to look up coding. He told me he had managed to decipher it fully after making some mistakes with it the other day. He seemed a bit reluctant to do so, but he handed it to me to read.

Diary, it devastated me. I feel foolish. I feel betrayed. I am so hurt that I cannot express it properly. I feel naïve and used and to see those words written in the hand of the man who has told me he loves me just did it. It broke me. I did not even cry noisily. I did not bawl, scream or shout – it was horrible. It was that kind of crying where your whole body joins in and you just crumple up and there is no noise and your nose runs and you have a grimace on your face that is silent and it hurts just so terribly.

And, I suppose, as the only other person in the room, it was only natural that Loki was the one to comfort me.

Damnit, why does it work when he does…….?