Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid. Ch33: Suffocation

Well, Diary. I am not sure if I am happy, sad, grateful or mad at this present time. I feel like I am being treated like a little girl who does not know what is best for me. I feel I have had someone try to take advantage of me because of my perceived naivety. I am really quite fed up.

Do you want to know why? Well, I am about to tell you anyway, because I wish to be able to look back and remind myself of this period of my life.

First of all: Alexander. Oh Diary, I still love him! I miss him, too. It is now five days since I saw him last, but it is neither his nor my fault. In addition, I still cannot recall everything from that night, but having thought about it, I am quite sure I have had my memory tampered with and I am quite sure I know the culprit.

Alexander was so sweet and romantic and loving and generous on my celebration day. Oh – I know he was wooing me; I am not that naïve! However, to be fair to the man, I had been giving him signals that I wanted us to be intimate. It is just that my eventual reluctance ignited that jealousy he has harboured for so long about my living in Odin’s suite. He obviously knows or at least suspects that I am close to “Odin” (if only he knew the truth), but Alexander cannot distance that from the suspicion that he uses me for sex, too. He is not the only one; there are several Palace servants that think the same, especially since Odin has not used the services of a courtesan for weeks, now.

I really need to see Alexander and talk to him about that night. But that means leaving the suite, which brings me neatly on to my second subject.

Loki.

Oh my goodness, where do I start? He is like a chameleon – well he is one, of course! Even ignoring his shape-shifting, I am talking about his ever-changing attitude towards me. Consider it for a moment:

• My first encounter with him was horrible and it makes me shudder just thinking about it.
• He has pressed me into service to keep my mouth shut. Tightened it further by making me live here.
• He punished me nastily for comforting the courtesan he was nasty to.
• He has beaten me for insubordination.
• He is moody, quiet, aloof, and ignorant.
• He relented and thanked me for caring about him and looking after him when he was ill. But I think he only did this because I shamed him into it.
• He gave me an over protective lecture about my love bites.
• He allowed that awful interrogation with the courtesan.
• He thanks me for being brave enough to ask him questions that infuriate him – but only after losing his temper with me!
• He gave me time off for my birth celebration and a most precious gift, but then lectured me on staying safe.
• It is obvious to me it is he who found me and brought me back from the waterfall.
• Even though he has hardly spoken to me over the days since, he is still there for me at night when I need comfort from my nightmares.

The reason why I have not seen Alexander yet? Loki – he has refused to let me leave until I am better.

My memory losses from that night? Loki – and this is the reason I am not getting better!

The most frustrating treatment I am getting from Loki yet is this protectiveness! I know, in a way, why he is doing this – but I also find it puzzling because I do not know what I am missing from that night. There are a few things I can surmise because of obvious reasons, but there are others I cannot.

One thing I do know for certain is that Alexander and I did not make love. I know from a physical point of view and I know from the parts of our verbal exchange that I can remember. But I do not know how reluctance turned into ripped clothing and scratches on Alexander’s face. I do not know how Alexander took his leave. I do not know how Loki found me and brought me home.

All I know is that sleeping beside Loki for comfort is not a healthy situation, but at the moment I need him.

More importantly, I need answers………